Forgetting the Good Stuff

The house needs cleaning. The laundry is piling up. There are chocolate fingerprints on the walls and windows. All this cooking is hard enough, but then come the dishes. Ugh. Then there’s therapy and school, shopping and church. The list grows faster than I can cross things off. So much I NEED to do, and it seems like I’m always behind, always disappointed in my own performance, struggling to be the perfect mother and never measuring up.

When I get like this, I start telling myself, “You’re turning into Martha.” You know, the infamous Martha from Luke 10. I haven’t always been this way. For the better part of my childhood, I would say I fit more into the Mary category, able to ignore the details for fellowship. Then somewhere in college, I felt like I was developing a split personality, part Mary, part Martha. The Mary part of me has since lost precious ground with every burden and responsibility I have taken on.

“Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good part, and it will not be taken away from her.” (from Luke 10:41-42)

Mary and Martha’s story was about Jesus and their relationship with Him, but I’d like to step out of the box and apply it a little differently than you would likely hear in church or a Bible study. I want to share the way I often use it to remind myself what is really important. 

Jackson’s autism is a daily challenge. There’s potty training (which is beginning to look like it will be a lifelong battle), teaching him to dress and groom himself, preparing his food, providing order and consistency in his routine, teaching him manners and how to control himself around others, and teaching him proper language and communication. Teaching a child on the spectrum these things is nothing like teaching a typical child. Jackson doesn’t make those intuitive leaps you can count on in typical children. Everything I teach him must be deliberate and intentional, and I have to be literal in what I say (that’s not easy for an abstract thinking creative mommy). Besides what I need to teach him, there are things like brushing, therapeutic listening, and the things we do to alleviate his sensory discomfort.

Since I lean more toward the Martha side of the spectrum these days, it’s easy for me to lump all these activities into a list of things to do, crossing them off as I go, moving forward to the next item on the list. It’s easy to focus on the things I need to do for him while neglecting his most basic need, a relationship with me.

Jackson won’t notice if the laundry piles up. He doesn’t see the chocolate fingerprints on the wall. He’ll eat yogurt, bananas and hot dogs for every meal if I let him. But, he does notice when I’m too busy for him. His behavior digresses when we miss therapy, or when I forget to brush him, and it’s not always pretty, but his reaction to not getting enough time from me is exponentially greater than missing any other therapy or exercise we practice.

So, when I get bogged down in my never ending to do list, and I tell myself, “You’re turning into Martha.” I could just as easily be telling myself, “You’ve forgotten your children.”

There are so many things a mother must do to run her home and raise her children, but there is only one truly necessary thing, only one thing that can’t be neglected, her relationship with her children.

My kids love it when I read to them, build lego towers, play board games, dance to their favorite kiddy songs (Jackson’s are Going on a Bear Hunt and Bare Necessities), making up new sports to play, and so much more. I like to play like I cook. It has to taste good but it’s great if it’s healthy, too. So, I like to have fun with them, but I want them to learn or benefit from our play as much as possible.

Here are some play suggestions I got from Autism Speaks’ 100 Day Action Plan.

Ideas for Purposeful Play

From the University of Washington Autism Center Parent Care Book 

Imitation: Object and Motor

• Sing finger play songs such as the Itsy Bitsy Spider, 5 Little Monkeys, Zoom down the Freeway

• Utilize musical instruments: “Let’s make music”, play Simon Says, have a musical parade, slow down, speed up, “Follow Me Song”

• Figurines: know on barn door, follow the leader to the schoolhouse

• Block play: make identical block structures

• Painting and drawing similar pictures, strokes, circles, lines, dot art

• Dramatic play: feeding babies, pouring tea, driving cars or trains on tracks, hammering nails, stirring 

Receptive and Expressive Labeling 
Embed labeling into activities such as:

• House (cup, spoon, plate, door)

• Grocery store (orange, apple, banana)

• Dolls (body parts, brush, clothing)

• Barn (animals, tractor)

• Art: Colors, scissors, glue, markers, big crayons, little crayons

• Books: pointing and labeling objects, letters, numbers, shapes, etc.

• Sensory Table: put different colors of animals, shapes, sizes, common objects

• Park/Playground: slide, swing, ball

• Play Dough: use different colored play dough, animal shaped cookie cutters 

Receptive Instructions

• Songs: “Simon Says” clap hands, tap legs, etc.

• Clean up time: put in garbage, put on shelf

• During activities request items, “Give me ___”

• Ask child to get their coat/backpack on the way outside or at the end of the day

Matching • Lotto matching game

• Puzzles with pictures underneath

• Picture to object matching can be done as activity during play (have the child match the picture of a cow while playing with the barn) 

Requesting

• Utilize motivating items (i.e. bubbles, juice, trains) to address requesting/communication

• Swing: wait to push until child makes the request

• Door: wait to open until child makes a request

• Lunch/Snack withhold until child makes request

• Art: child can request glitter, glue, stickers, paint, etc.