Falling Through the Church's Cracks

Every mother of a preschooler knows the struggle you face just trying to attend a church service, let alone worship. The hassle getting them dressed in 'itchy' stiff clothes, fed and out the door is just the first hurdle. Then there's getting them to their class room or the nursery. Then you have to make the decision (depending on the size of your church) will they sit with you in 'big church' or go to a children's church. Inevitably you're there during nap time or snack time or some other time that makes them act like they've been neglected their whole lives. Then you can feel the glares from what seems like everyone, some in judgment, some in pity, and you're not sure which glare feels worse. The stress is enough to make you want to just stay home and listen to the sermon podcast while they're snuggled in their beds taking a nap.

I've spent many Sundays that way, arriving home feeling like I've just fought a huge battle, and I don't know if I won. An old friend of mine once told me, "It can't all be easy. God expects a little effort on our part." And, I agree. It can't all be easy. We do have to go through those battles to raise children that love the Lord and want to serve Him. We've got to show them that it takes more to stop us than start us, and loving God is the most important thing in our lives. After all, they grow out of it, right? It's just a couple of years of struggling, right?

What if you had to fight a similar but tougher battle EVERY time you went to church, what if there was little hope of it ever getting any better, what if the rest of the church seemed to merely tolerate yours and your child's presence, would you still go? I know many families of children with special needs that have fallen out of church and fallen through the cracks because it just got too hard.

Mother's of special needs children are much more likely to develop severe depression than mothers of healthy, typically developing children. They tend to fall into patterns of isolation only adding to the problem. When you have to fight and struggle to accomplish simple tasks like going to the grocery store or getting a shower, you lose the will and the energy to fight those bigger battles.

Comparing the difference to taking my typically developing children and my special needs child to church, I can say it is definitely harder. I had gone to church my whole life, went to Christian college and intended to have my children in church their whole lives, too. But, things got so hard with Jackson that I felt forgotten and discouraged. I eventually just gave up, and we didn't go to church for months. There are so many emotions involved that it would be hard for me to explain, but I was crying out to God for help. Was there anyone who would identify with my struggle and help me carry this load?

Two years ago, we started attending a church with an amazing special needs ministry, Green Light.

One of the preschool children's ministers at our church will forever be one of my heroes. When she found out about Jackson's condition, it seemed like she would look for us to walk in the door. She made friends with him, and started a ritual with him for the first several weeks we were there. She would take him to the resource room and get him a special toy to play with. She would walk him to his class and stay with him until he was settled. She was compassionate toward me and paid attention to every one of his issues. It is no surprise that he LOVES it there. I believe it had everything to do with her taking the time to meet his special needs and break through that barrier.

Jackson doesn't need that kind of attention anymore, but he still remembers her. She's busy every Sunday doing what she does, but every time we run into each other in the hall, she greets us with hugs. She was a direct answer to prayer, a provision from God for all my tears. Because of her, I was able to actually attend a service and worship worry and distraction free. I was finally able to connect and be fed. Leaving the service now, I feel energized and encouraged, the way I used to feel before I had kids.

It's so easy for special needs families to fall through the cracks and fade away lost and forgotten to the local church. I know because I nearly did.

If you are a family with special needs, take heart, there are churches that will help you carry your load. If you are a member of a church, please take the time to reach out to those that seem to be carrying a heavier burden.