Auto Reflections

My schedule stays pretty full. Between pre-school for Jackson, homeschool/class for my older son, three therapies a week, all the shopping and cooking, caring for my 1 year old, sports, church, etc. Things get pretty hectic. There are many things I don't get to do much anymore like watch tv, go to the theater, even going out to dinner has become a near impossible feat with Jackson's allergies and our schedule, but there is one thing I miss more than any other. That is the ability to choose time to spend on spiritual things as I saw fit.

I accepted a challenge in college to read the Bible through every month, and thought I was really doing a great thing. It was great, but I soon had to alter that plan to every three months due to the other studying I had to do. Still every three months was pretty good. A lot of my reading was done on auto pilot, especially through the books that don't read so easy (you know the ones I'm talking about). I can look back and see where I was going through the motions but not really gleaning what I should. Still the Bible actually became one of my favorite books to read, and often was hard to put down.

That challenge had to be altered again after I got married and was now working full time and caring for my new marriage, but during my first pregnancy, when my husband was on call or working over the weekend, I began reading in big chunks again. I would read out loud so the little guy could hear. I have such wonderful memories of what God showed me during that time.

Fast forward to the day my oldest son was born, and those days of reading my Bible, listening to sermons, playing my piano and singing in worship, even just getting to church easily, those days were now gone. I was not prepared for the shift. I really struggled with depression and emotional craziness. Some due to the baby blues women often get after giving birth, but I believe some of it was going from feasting to famine. I was going through withdrawals on top of no sleep, hormone insanity and all the new demands. I remember a deep longing to return to my Bible and thinking, "if I can just get him sleeping through the night..." or "if I could just get him weaned...." I kept thinking those opportunities would just happen again. Well, after two more kids and an autism diagnosis, that day still hasn't come. What I've had to do is make some trades and some interesting improvisations.

I've given up what little bit of tv watching I had left. I've stopped obsessing during the kids' nap time over cleaning or cooking, and began reading my Bible or other spiritual books or listening to a podcasted sermon during that time. Many times I've read myself to sleep, something I would have been appalled to admit before kids, but now I see it as God granting me much needed rest, almost like He's telling His little girl a story and lulling her off to sleep.

My favorite adaptation is what I call auto reflections. Jackson has two half hour speech appointments a week. When we first talked about the schedule, I was a little irritated that these were the only spots she had open for him. I wanted her to block the two segments into a 1 hour slot so I could do something with it, but it was this or nothing. Now, what am I going to do with 30 minutes? There isn't any time for shopping or errands. All I really can do is sit in the parking lot and wait. Then the Holy Spirit opened up my mind and heart to using that time to read, reflect and pray. I've found I can get a lot more done in those 30 minutes than I ever thought possible, and while Jackson gets speech therapy, I'm getting spiritual therapy.

So, while I sat outside the school today getting my spiritual therapy, I decided to post this discovery. I've wasted so much time stressing over not getting enough time with God. Knowing that I needed Him to help me with my often short fuse and anxious, worried heart, and I just kept stressing and thinking there was never going to be enough time. I needed to alter my expectations and open up my mind and heart to a different way of spiritual life.

The longer I'm at this, the more I think it's not about setting aside a certain amount of time or reading a certain amount of pages or getting to that special emotional place in prayer. It's more about desiring God and being open to the time slots He gives you. God doesn't care how much WE do, but how much we let HIM do. Opening our hearts to his work, asking for His filling and help, and making ourselves available when He makes time for us, this is how we keep growing during these hectic seasons of life.