Happy New Year!

Good morning. How are those New Year's resolutions coming? Have you managed to work in more quality time for the family? Got your home organized? Stuck to that diet plan? Kept up with the exercise program? Made a dent in your debt to income ratio? Me? Well, I've fallen behind. Like, so far behind, I'm lost and will likely never be found again. Sometime in January my badly weathered person will muster enough breath to resolve never to resolve again before collapsing on the heap of unmet goals.

Let's evaluate the pile.

Resolution #1: Read through the Bible twice. Ha. I've been 3 days from the end of the first go round for about a month now. I keep readjusting the time frame (if you have a Bible app, I've hit 'catch me up' more times than I can count).

Resolution #2: Blog at least once a week. Hmmmm. That would mean I should have about 30 posts. That number at the bottom of this blog says 23 (well, after I post this one, it will say 24), and that is after I re-blogged two of my favorite recipes from a while back. I'm not sure those count.

Resolution #3: Write in my journal at least once a day. Hahahahaha! We're not even going to go there. Let's just say that voice you hear in your head when you're reading things, you know the one that goes along with what you're reading (well, at least there's a voice in my head when I read, maybe that explains more about me than I should be sharing, but anyway....), that voice went from super cool and totally awesome (obviously) to the most boring monotone Ben Stein-ish narration to my totally unexciting life. Well, that or a whiny Fran Drescher complaining about her totally unexciting life. I got tired of the voices in my head and the writer's cramp in my hand, and decided to concentrate on my blog. Ha. That went well.

Resolution #4: Yoga three times a week. Once again I'm lol-ing while I type. I will say however, we did get a treadmill (so I can't use the kids as an excuse not to run), and I learned about strength training at home. Right now, I'm running about 3 miles per session (when I'm not nursing an injury), and I did my first 5k race just a couple of weeks ago. However, I will NOT be posting the time. When I reach my goal of a 22 minute 5k, I'll post that time for sure.

Resolution #5: Finish my masters. I'm currently 2 classes away from finishing. The problem is, that's the same distance away from graduating I was when this year started.

Resolution #6: Potty train my 3 year old. Now, this one makes me laugh the most because in this process I've discovered that I must be the most incompetent potty trainer this world has ever seen. I mean, really! How hard is it to teach an intelligent capable child to stop messing in their pants? Apparently something a man with a doctorate and a woman with a (almost) graduate degree can't figure out. It's like this child has been trained in military level resistance and diversion tactics. I've nearly resolved (hahaha, there's that word again) to resign this process to her (not yet registered and school starts Wednesday) new preschool teacher and friends in class this year.

Resolution #7 and 8: These are private and no where near completion. If I accomplish them, you'll know, trust me.

Resolution #9: Play my piano every day. This is by far one of the most relaxing things for me. I can go from completely tense and good for nothing frustrated to calm and focused in just 15 minutes. Unfortunately, my keyboard (Korg Concert XC 2000, which I got for a birthday present when I was 17) isn't working. A couple of the keys stick or don't make a sound, and the pedals no longer work. Can't afford a new one, and the nearest place to have it fixed is about an hour away. I miss it. A LOT.

Resolution #10: Live more purposefully. I'm a planner at heart. I like things to go the way I've decided they should go, but I'm obviously still floundering around allowing life to dictate where I'm headed rather than me or my God. This just adds to my frustration and causes me to want to crawl in bed with a half gallon of rocky road ice cream and refuse to emerge until the lactose forces me out. Actually, this was the main reason I made resolutions this year. Because I wanted to set goals and see them accomplished, on purpose, not because the stars aligned and I just happened to be in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

At the very bottom of my resolution entry in my journal, this is what I wrote:

"May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ." 

2 Thes. 3:5

"My hope for this year is to be directed by God to His love and steadfastness. To finally learn to trust Him and to believe that He does love me. He is good, and He really does work all things for my good."

Where's that carton of rocky road?

Once again, I'm facing the beginning of another year, the school year. I'm going to have 3 kids in 3 different schools (well, that is if I can get my daughter registered and IF they still have an opening). One in a home school parent lead education program, one in public school and special education program, and one in preschool. If I ever needed to be organized and goal oriented, now is the time, but it just seems like the harder I work, the less I get done. We have hamsters (adorable, smelly little creatures that like to poop as soon as you pull them out of their cages), and they LOVE their wheels, especially at about 3-4am, but that's another topic. I often find myself feeling like I'm stuck on that darn wheel, running until I can't run anymore, eventually collapsing in the same place I started. There has to be a better way.

For what am I striving, exactly? Perfection? I think so, and I think my head and heart must have missed the memo telling all of us humans that perfection isn't possible in this life. I'm starting to think I might need to scrap all these resolutions and concentrate on that last line in my journal. "To finally trust Him and to believe that He does love me. He is good, and He really does work all things for my good."

So, here's to another school year! Maybe we should toast with juice boxes and throw confetti in the air. No, wait, I'll have to clean that up. Let's just stick to the juice. May I trust my God with my harried life, my children and my goals, and allow Him to make it all good.

Happy New Year!

Perspective is Everything

This morning was one of THOSE mornings. While I got up on time and got my shower before the kids got up (a rare treasure during the Summer), that was about the only thing that went right until we were in the car. Jackson didn't want to come down for breakfast. He didn't want to eat what I fixed. He didn't want to wear the clothes I picked out for him. My other children were exacerbating the problem, picking at Jackson and whining about him whining. Every transition was a struggle, and I found myself extremely frustrated. We finally make it to the car and are on our way to our play date. Yes. I was stressing about leaving late to play at a friend's house who would have been more than understanding of our tardiness, and for that matter, a friend that would have been totally fine with Jackson coming in his pajamas, bed head and flip flops. It was somehow too hard for me to just take it all in stride this particular morning. The tension filled my body, stiff and numb trying to clear my head so I don't end up complaining to the other mom the whole play date, I turned on the radio and began to listen to Addison Road's What Do I Know of Holy. Then we pass a funeral procession, and just like I do every time I see one of those, I prayed, "God, help them." Then I'm suddenly overcome and start balling like a baby.

There has been so much death in our friend and family circle lately. Some lost precious children, some fathers, mothers, brothers. Still others are facing deadly diseases threatening to take a loved one away at any moment. I couldn't help but compare my morning and all its frustration to the morning of those following that hearse. One of those mortal moments when the frailty of my own human condition and the fragility of the life in my care brought me to tears. The next few moments passed as my mind was flooded with the remembrance of so many blessings. The blessing of my son and all he is, autism included, stood out in those blessings. As hard as it has been adjusting to the special care he requires, this disease will not take him from me too early, and as hard as it is to handle the frustration that builds up from the life we live, I'm not following a hearse.

Perspective is everything.

Note: I shortened this after rereading it the next morning.

I'll Stand

Jackson and me at his 6th birthday party

About three years ago, with more questions than answers, I found myself overwhelmed with worry and fear. Jackson's diagnosis was still so confusing. What is autism? Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified, is this English? What is the autism spectrum? What does this mean for him? What does this mean for our family? What does the future hold? Can I handle this? Speech, occupational, social, or ABA therapy; public, private or home school? How do I know what's right for him?

One morning, in an attempt to calm my spirit while I tackled the chaos I knew I could handle, my kitchen, I turned on some music and set to work. My youngest was sleeping. My oldest was at school, and Jackson was playing with his blocks in the next room. The Stand by Hillsong United came on, and I was overcome. In one of those precious moments where the presence of God in my life was tangible, I stood, hands raised, head bowed, tears flowing, unable to sing. The words echoed in my heart.

"You stood before my failures.
Carried the Cross for my shame.
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders.
My soul now to stand.

"What could I say.
What could I do,
But offer this heart, O God, completely to you."

  Then I heard this tiny voice beside me, hands raised, head bowed, singing what I couldn't.

"I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all.
I'll stand my soul, Lord, to you surrendered.
All I am is Yours."

I immediately crumpled to the floor. I don't think I've ever hugged him tighter. He patted my back and went back to playing, but in that moment, He and God gave me something I couldn't live without, a vision. One I have seen and heard in every set back we've faced. "All I am is Yours."

We found out this week that Jackson cannot continue at the private/home school program he's been attending this year. They say he isn't engaging and participating like he should, and they don't think he will be able to handle first grade at their school. I've been surprised at the level of pain this decision has brought me. I burst into tears at Target. (Yes. I know. Poor stocking person didn't know what to do.) I've lost sleep and struggled to function properly with this constant ache in my gut. Why? There was a point when I surrendered all my dreams for Jackson to the vision God gave me that day. "All I am is Yours." He belongs to God, and his diagnosis is a special calling on his life, a purpose that only he can fill, a work of God. I think this set back has brought more pain than it should because, little by little, I had begun to take back those dreams. He's been doing so well for so long, I started thinking the worst was behind us, that everything was going to go according to plan after all. Once again, I'm overwhelmed with questions. Some new, some old, all without answers. And, once again, God has brought to mind that vision.

This morning, I had my iPhone on shuffle while I attempted to tackle the events of the day, The Stand came on again. The image of Jackson's little hands raised and head bowed, the sound of his tiny voice singing the words in 3 year old delayed speech, this vision reminded me who he belongs to and in whose hands his future lies. One more emotional outburst, then peace.

I don't know if I can handle what lies ahead, but I know God can. One more time, I'll surrender my heart to Him and let Him lead the way. "All I am is Yours." So, I'll stand.