The Upside of Autism

I've had a lot to say about autism and how it affects my son and family over the past 5 years. I've even been heard saying I'm thankful for it. I'm sure any of you reading this that have a personal connection to this disorder can understand what I meant by that, but I want to retract and amend that statement. I'm not thankful for this disease. In actuality, I hate it, and that hatred grows every day.

I hate autism. I hate how it locks precious children inside themselves, how it hides so much of their spirit from a dark world that needs their light. I hate how it exhausts mothers, fathers and caretakers and leaves them struggling, frustrated and feeling so very alone. I hate how it drives families into isolation. I hate how it affects siblings, how they must learn in an almost backward way that love is selfless and sacrificial. I hate how it divides our families, our communities and our world. I hate how it changes and eludes our understanding. I hate its relentlessness and pervasiveness. I hate that it is so expensive and difficult to treat. I hate how it seems to bring out the ugliest of our ignorance. I hate how it awakens the worst in the least human of our society, those who prey on the week and helpless. I hate the day I first learned what it was and what it meant to my family, to my baby, and to my life. I hate autism, however….

I love my son. I love ALL his differences. I love how hard he's worked and how the struggle with autism has only made him stronger. I love how I have a special place in my heart for Thomas the Tank Engine, Lightening McQueen, Legos and all the other obsessions he's attached himself to over the course of his life. I love that he loves art and music. I love how wonderful it is that he and I can communicate without words when that language barrier proves too hard to break through. I love his laugh even when it's too loud. I love how he jumps and runs and all his other stims even when it causes people to stare. I love that he now 'over expresses' his feelings because he finally gets that I NEED to know and I can't see inside his head. I love the idea that he thinks in pictures, and I secretly wish I could understand what that's like. (I think I would like it.) I love all the wonderful teachers, doctors, psychologists, and therapists that have worked with him, every one selflessly obeying the calling in their life to make a tangible difference in the lives of children like Jackson and their families. I love what I've learned about myself, my husband, my children, and our family. I love how God has used my son's diagnosis to show me the ugliness of MY ignorance. I love how he opened my eyes to all the times I judged a mother struggling in public. I love how my initial response is now one of compassion not just for other mother's struggling, but for those judging them and me. I love how I've learned through this that each of us walk a different path filled with obstacles and difficulties impossible for others to see from the outside looking in. I love the conversations that I've been able to have with my children about how there are people in our world whose brains and bodies don't work like everyone else's, about how that does not make them less, and how they should never be treated as less. I love that each of my children better understand the concept of protecting the weak, and loving the different. I love that this struggle has ignited my fighter spirit, and seeing that same flame in Jackson, I know he'll be ok.

I hate autism, but I love the upside.

What is the upside to autism? That for all the evil it could throw at me, it has only made me a better mother, wife, friend and person, and for that I will be forever grateful.