The Gospel and Autism

[[ I typed this post about a year ago after Jackson (then 6 years old) told me emphatically he didn't want God in his life, but decided not to publish the intensely personal and controversial struggle. I'm still worried about it being clear, but something happened today that made me feel like I should share. ]]

Have you ever tried Googling that phrase, the Gospel and autism? You get more useful hits using faith or religion and autism, but I'm often searching for tidbits and info on the things most heavily weighing on my heart. So, I Googled that phrase recently, and found something that struck a nerve.

Before Jackson's diagnosis I thought you didn't have to teach a child to lie, and you didn't have to explain God for them to believe. They just do on both counts. Well, not necessarily. While the self-preservation instinct that causes a child to lie is evident in Jackson in other ways, he didn't figure out lying for a long time, and I don't know when he would have without having learned from his brother and other typically developing kids. He has a big imagination, especially when it comes to super heroes and the tooth fairy, but he seems to struggle more with spiritual things. The way you typically talk to a child about God just doesn't work for him. I think I mentioned before how he reacted to the Sunday School talk about asking Jesus into his heart. It was a traumatic thought for him, asking this invisible God who created all things and was bigger than the universe to enter his little heart. In his mind, this would be painful and might result in an explosion.

Needless to say the communication barrier and the literal, fact based way Jackson thinks has been a serious curve ball for me. During one conversation in which I was trying to answer one of his questions by explaining what it means for Jesus to be IN you and you to be IN Him (and obviously failing at it), Jackson looked at me plain as day and said, "I don't think I want that. Nope. I don't want God." Now, you know why I'm Googling things like 'the Gospel and autism.' It broke my heart, the tears started welling up, and I had to leave the room.

Now let's pause for a moment and examine the tears. I accepted Christ when I was six years old. I can't remember a moment in my childhood where He wasn't present and active in my life. There were moments when I could literally feel His presence surrounding me. I had a little hill overlooking a cattle pasture that was my praying spot. I used to go there, lie on the ground, watch the clouds and the trees and talk to Him like He was right there next to me. I've read through the Bible several times, and each time is new and amazing. My faith is not a religion for me. It's a relationship. Now I've struggled and doubted. Done many things I wish I could take back, at times exhibiting anything but devotion to this God. I've gone through times when my faith was shaken and purged, but in the end (and hopefully TO the end) it only came out stronger. My God is not some distant figure I hear about at church, read about in an ancient book and struggle to please hoping for heaven when I die. He's my father, my brother, my husband, my friend....my everything. I cannot imagine my life without my God, and I look forward to the day I get to see His face, hold His hand and hear His voice. It's a big deal, and I want that for my children.

Wanting that same relationship with God for my children, my heart has obviously been heavy since Jackson's statement. My husband has reminded me that he's only 6 (almost 7), and it's not time to panic yet. But, my heart is heavy all the same. I kept praying, "God, he can do without many things, but he can't do without You." Oh, the restless heart of a mother. Back to Googling the Gospel and autism.

In my search, I landed on an autism forum where someone asked how you share the Gospel with an autistic child. The general consensus was that it's child abuse to teach a child, especially an autistic child, about God. That it is taking advantage of their blind trust in you as their caregiver. According to this forum, you should wait until they are old enough or developed enough to seek faith on their own. At first I was irritated almost ready to join the forum just to rebut their stupid advice. Obviously these people aren't parents. The only love greater than my love for my babies is God's love for me. And, obviously these people aren't religious. When you truly believe something, separating your beliefs from your life, as a parent or anything else, is just not possible. So, if a parent really loves their children and truly believes in the Bible, NOT teaching their children about God isn't an option. While I had plenty to say to those who answered the question, I did not have an actual answer to the question. How DO you teach the Gospel to a child with autism? My high functioning son told me he didn't want God. So, clearly I don't have the answer. Then I started thinking about where Jackson is right now.

Recently, he received a Bible and a highlighter from our pastor during a special presentation at our church. He was extremely excited about the Bible, and almost blown away by the fact that I told him it was ok to mark in it with the highlighter. Seriously, it was like I told him he could have ice cream for breakfast. This might be connected to an incident where his little sister colored a whole page in my Bible with a sharpie and I cried. Writing in books (especially a Bible) is not something he's ever been allowed to do. He highlighted the passage the pastor preached from, and he's been reading his Bible, and highlighting, excitedly since. I'm just amazed at how God can take a simple thing like a Bible presentation and a highlighter and answer the prayer of a heavy heart.

Thinking about the forum question and answers, I couldn't help but wonder. Maybe there is something to allowing a child to seek faith themselves. Maybe all my trying to explain things is making it harder for him to understand. Maybe I just need to let him read while I live out my faith and pray I can answer the questions that are sparked by his reading.

The Holy Spirit is not hindered by the same communication barriers that hinder us. God's Word is alive and penetrating, and I know that Jackson's seeking will find that same father, brother and friend that I have worshipped my whole life.

"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:13

One of my favorite autism blogs shared this in a recent post, and I can't help but share it, too.

"Dear restless heart, be still; don’t fret and worry so;
God has a thousand ways His love and help to show;
Just trust, and trust, and trust, until His will you know.

Dear restless heart, be still, for peace is God’s own smile,
His love can every wrong and sorrow reconcile;
Just love, and love, and love, and calmly wait awhile.

Dear restless heart, be brave; don’t moan and sorrow so,
He hath a meaning kind in chilly winds that blow;
Just hope, and hope, and hope, until you braver grow.

Dear restless heart, repose upon His breast this hour,
His grace is strength and life, His love is bloom and flower;
Just rest, and rest, and rest, within His tender power.

Dear restless heart, be still! Don’t struggle to be free;
God’s life is in your life, from Him you may not flee;
Just pray, and pray, and pray, till you have faith to see."

~Edith Willis Linn

I didn't join the forum or comment on the question, but I thought I would post what I've learned here. Sharing the Gospel with an autistic child is the same as with anyone else, you share then trust, love, hope, rest, pray and let God handle it from there. There are no barriers He cannot overcome.

Maybe the next person to Google 'the Gospel and autism' will run across this post and find encouragement. "Dear restless heart, be still."

Update: I let it go. I chose to wait for Jackson to be ready. I tried to answer any questions and let him take it from there. Some were easy. Some were not so easy. But, today he asked how you become a Christian. We talked through it, and he decided to accept Jesus as his savior. His heart didn't explode, but mine just might. :-)