Ok. So, it's not midnight yet, and it's pretty yucky and wet outside. But, it came! That Holiday peace that seems to avoid me like I have the plague every year since I got married. Most of my adult Holiday memories involve lots of anxiety and struggle. In fact, I think I've shed more tears during the month of December than any other month of the year. There is nothing like being bombarded with joyous Christmas merriment and family bliss everywhere you turn for an entire month to make you feel lonely and forgotten.
I am not really alone for Christmas. I'm not homeless or hungry. I haven't lost a loved one before their time. I'm not facing cancer or another life threatening illness. I am married with three beautiful, healthy children and surrounded by lots of family and friends who love me. I know it's crazy that Christmas would be hard for me, but I think that's part of the problem. How I think I should feel or at least look like I feel, this whole pretending thing I do. That and the struggle I went through in my marriage, and all the time spent holding my breath, waiting for the bottom to fall out, wearing that fake smile and happy mask I carefully crafted so everyone around me would feel comfortable, those years took their toll. Anxiety became my default mode, and we all know anxiety is a bully that pushes peace out every time. Then there were the Holidays when I was trying desperately to STAY pregnant and absolutely miserable. The ones near a big move or a looming diagnosis. December just has bad timing for me.
Then tonight, I read Luke 2 with my kids at bed time. They sat captivated as if it was the first time they had ever heard the Christmas story. As I read, I realized I almost didn't have to read it, so much of it coming back to memory from my childhood (and Charlie Brown's Christmas special). That's when I could feel it, the peace settling in. Remembering what it's all about.
[My favorite part:]
"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Luke 2:8-14
Peace and good will toward men possible because our uncontainable God bound Himself inside a tiny little body to experience life as we do, to shiver in the cold, sweat from the heat, puke from the stomach flu (sorry, that little bit of suffering is fresh in my mind), to be tempted, tried and acquainted with our suffering. Our immortal God choosing to become mortal and die willingly at our hands, all so that He could give us the gift of life, eternal and whole.
I'm usually in a big rush at bedtime, hurrying through the routine so I can get to my insane to-do list that is never done, but tonight, we sat and talked about Jesus, about why He came, about the fact that Christmas isn't about Santa's naughty or nice list, but about the gift God gave us in His Son, a gift none of us could ever deserve.
When I finally said it was time for sleep and prayed with three of the most precious gifts I have ever been given, I was overcome with gratitude. They sat quiet and still (yes, even Allie) hanging on every word I said.
"My dear heavenly Father, thank you so much for each of my babies, my Jacob, my Jackson and my Allie. Thank you so much for giving up your baby so that I could become Your daughter and share Your amazing Gift with them. Please fill our home with Your Spirit and bring us peace...."
I then went through our usual prayer requests for family, friends and no nightmares. Then I kissed each one of them walking out with total peace and great big fat tears rolling from my eyes.
Now, the trick here will be allowing peace to stay and forbidding anxiety to return, but for now, I'm going to enjoy it and pray that the peace that passes all understanding will settle in your home, as well.
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